Joy Unmasked: Living out loud with ADHD
October is ADHD (Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder) Awareness Month, and in true ADHD fashion, I found myself waiting until the very last day of the month to share my personal journey with this condition. I was formally diagnosed with ADHD in 2012 & as someone who struggled for so long to accept and come to terms with my ADHD diagnosis, I truly appreciate the increasing awareness and normalization of ADHD. However, I often feel frustration, annoyance, and even resentment regarding how casually it is discussed in pop culture and on social media, where it seems everyone claims to have it. While I can understand this to some extent—given the attention deficits stemming from our addiction to devices and the dysregulation in our nervous systems due to societal dysfunction—I believe it's important to recognize that these traits, such as inattention, difficulty focusing, and a craving for instant gratification, reflect only a fraction of the ADHD experience. This casual conversation diminishes the genuine impact and challenges faced by those living with the condition.
I want to emphasize the reality of living with ADHD, as the term has become casual and often used in jest. This trivialization perpetuates harmful stereotypes that diminish the significant struggles faced by those affected by this condition. Such attitudes can render the experiences of individuals with ADHD invisible and dehumanizing, reflecting a society that often fails to understand the nuances of neurodiversity and lacks empathy. Living with ADHD is living with a disability. It means navigating a world designed for specific mindsets and abilities, where success and "productivity" are defined by narrow standards. This situation can be overwhelming, exhausting, and at times, feel impossible and even violent for individuals living with disabilities like ADHD.
I want to share my personal experiences living with ADHD, as well as insights gained from my work as a therapist, where at least 80% of my clients are either neurodivergent or have ADHD. My aim is to encourage you to explore your unique needs as an act of kindness and self-love. As adults, it is our responsibility to take care of ourselves. I understand how challenging it can be to navigate life with untreated, late-diagnosed ADHD, but seeking knowledge and understanding of this aspect of who I am has been transformative, helping me release feelings of shame. I hope my journey offers you valuable insights that empower you to embrace this part of yourself, allowing you to stop hiding or masking and instead recognize it as a vital element of who you are, shaping the joy you bring into the world.
So what is ADHD?
I once read “The ADHD mind is a vast and unorganized library. It contains masses of information in snippets, but not whole books. The information exists in many forms — as articles, videos, audio clips, Internet pages — and also in forms and thoughts that no one has ever had before. But there is no card catalog, and the “books” are not organized by subject or even alphabetized.”
ADHD is a neurodevelopmental condition that emerges during the developmental phase and affects brain function. Approximately 5% of school-aged children are impacted by this condition. Its origins stem from a complex interaction of genetic, environmental, and neurological influences. ADHD is linked to variations in brain structure and function, as well as neurotransmitters such as dopamine. While there is no definitive "cure," it is considered a lifelong mental health condition.
Those of us living with ADHD, often called "ADHDers," tend to experience emotions and thoughts with great intensity, presenting both a gift and a curse. We often thrive on the excitement of new experiences and the quest for adventure, easily captivated by the next intriguing thing. At times, we can appear scattered and may be judged for it, which can be true in some instances. We are susceptible to making careless mistakes, procrastinating, and leaving tasks until the last moment. Transitions are particularly difficult for us; we often feel adrift and struggle to feel grounded. Our interests can lead us to become obsessive, causing us to get lost in our passions. We might dissect something repeatedly until it feels "just right," holding on until it achieves our standard of "perfection." This can make us overly critical of ourselves.
Additionally, we may struggle with emotional dysregulation, impulsivity, low self-esteem, and internalized shame. We can have a reputation for being consistently late. Many of us fear being perceived as too much. Sometimes, we overwhelm others with our energy, leaving them unsure of how to respond, and conversely, we may feel uncertain about how to engage with theirs. Consequently, forming and maintaining relationships can be particularly challenging for those of us with ADHD.
We excel at initiating projects, often being the best at getting things started; however, we tend to struggle with completion, as completion can feel like a herculean effort. Distractions abound, with competing interests and far more exciting activities vying for our attention. Our short-term memory can fail us, leading to forgetfulness. We often create messes that leave us feeling overwhelmed by clutter. While we are bursting with creativity and energy, we can give our all and then suddenly crash, making it hard to rise from bed on some days. Many of us are filled with grand ideas and dreams that have the potential to flourish, yet they remain unfulfilled because they never transition into action and simply linger in our minds. When we struggle with the awareness of what’s going on with our bodies & how ADHD impacts our mental health, some of us self-medicate with alcohol, drugs/substances/plants, and through bodies/sex.
What are the core features of ADHD?
Executive Dysfunction:
Challenges include organizing tasks, inattention, hyper-focusing, forgetfulness, scattered thoughts, and being easily distracted.
Individuals may struggle with disorganization, difficulty maintaining attention, careless errors, and poor time management.
Hyperactivity-Impulsivity:
Restlessness: A constant feeling of being "on the go" or as if "driven by a motor."
Excessive talking and a sense of losing control.
Making impulsive decisions without considering their consequences, which can lead to accidents or social difficulties.
Tendency to interrupt others, difficulty waiting for one's turn, and poor boundaries, leading to impulsive spending habits.
Emotional Reactivity:
Individuals often experience emotions intensely, feeling both highs and lows deeply.
Emotional experiences can be overwhelming, leaving one feeling drained or overly energized.We can feel things intensely that can wipe us out or charge us up so much that it’s hard to come down
Sensitivity to rejection is common, and regulating emotions can be a challenge.
Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria:
The pain of rejection or the anticipation of it can feel physically distressing, particularly for those with heightened emotional sensitivity.
Many may hesitate to share their work or express themselves with others due to fear of judgment.
This fear can lead to feelings of self-destruction, self-loathing, and resentment, often stemming from a lack of understanding of their own neurological differences.
Consequently, individuals may avoid situations that could lead to rejection.
Low Self-Esteem:
Undiagnosed or late diagnoses, coupled with a lack of tools and self-awareness, can leave adults living with ADHD feeling ill-equipped to navigate life.
Living in a society that often undervalues the unique gifts and perspectives of those with ADHD can be demoralizing.
Attempting to conform to "standard" ways of doing things can result in feelings of inadequacy.
Many with ADHD struggle to maintain jobs and feel out of place in corporate environments, leading to internalized feelings of inferiority
Financial challenges and dependency on systems not designed for them can exacerbate feelings of shame.
Individuals often hesitate to share their talents due to fear and may hold themselves to unrealistic standards, with perceived failures resulting in overwhelming emotional distress, including suicidal thoughts rooted in low self-esteem.
Challenging Relationships:
- Living with ADHD can feel like being Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer or a character on the Island of Misfits... Why do I always feel like such a misfit?
We often experience feelings of being misunderstood and unappreciated by others, which can lead to a sense of alienation and difficulty in finding our place. Social interactions can become exhausting, leaving us overwhelmed and in need of retreat to recharge, often leading to misinterpretations of our behavior.
Many of us labeled as “flaky” or “inconsistent” struggle with feelings of being a poor friend due to our limited capacity to manage the demands of others. This can result in shutting down, communication struggles, avoidance, and subsequently feelings of guilt and shame, creating a vicious cycle.
When we are not adequately resourced—whether that means getting enough sleep, maintaining good nutrition, managing hormones, or living in a tidy environment—we can be challenging to be around. We might be described as “verbose,” prone to word-vomiting, oversharing, or information-dumping about our passionate interests and topics that excite us.
What is a disability: How can ADHD be a Disability?
- Sometimes I feel like I'm on top of the world, unstoppable; other times, I feel like a failure and wish Iyanla would come and fix my life.
Navigating this journey has been particularly challenging for me as a queer Black woman raised by parents from the 1940s, where appearance, assimilation, and the drive for excellence were the inherited survival strategies. In this context, having a disability was seen as a sign of weakness or defectiveness, leading to vulnerability and shame for both the individual and their family. As a Black person in this world, receiving another label is a heavy burden, and I still grapple with this notion. However, ADHD genuinely impacts many who live with the condition, affecting academic performance, work, relationships, and self-esteem. A disability can be a physical, mental, or cognitive condition that significantly restricts a person's ability to perform specific activities or engage in various aspects of life. Disabilities may influence mobility, communication, learning, social interaction, and daily functioning.
Many of us have spent our lives, especially our formative years, unaware of our true selves. We sensed something was different but couldn't articulate it. The adults in our lives, who were meant to help us understand our needs, often made us feel stupid, inferior, and deprived of the love and affirmation we needed, negatively impacting our self-perception. Carrying this burden for so long can lead to struggles with self-esteem and self-love, perpetuating cycles of inaction, avoidance, and fear. While there may be boundless creativity within us, the way ADHD influences the brain can impede execution. Many individuals with ADHD experience paralysis from perfectionism or fear of judgment and rejection, both of which hinder our ability to flourish. We frequently encounter obstacles in finishing our tasks, meeting deadlines, or satisfying our employer's expectations, which can result in cycles of job loss. The extent to which ADHD affects functioning can vary widely; for some, it may lead to mild challenges, while for others, it can be severe enough to warrant a disability classification.
Healing ADHD : Embracing Life with ADHD
I am a dynamic single mother to an amazing 7-year-old who is also wonderfully neurodivergent. In addition to being a loving parent, I am also a solopreneur, visionary, creative, and organizer. My life is rich with excitement, and I credit my ability to think expansively, along with my passion, creativity, and curiosity, to the beauty of living with ADHD. However, while this enhances the fullness of my life, it also contributes to moments of overwhelm. I often find it difficult to say no, as I want to embrace everything that piques my interest. My boundless curiosity drives me to seek various opportunities for growth, learning, and experience, which can sometimes lead to distractions, overwhelm, feelings of defeat, and unfinished tasks. I tend to shy away from what I find tedious or challenging and struggle with impulsivity. I am on a journey to engage with these aspects of myself and my impulses in ways that nurture self-confidence and well-being rather than shame. I am learning to accept that my path may take longer than that of my peers.
I am finding peace and beauty in being a “late bloomer,” as we all have unique paths and paces. Learning to radically accept, understand, and care for my ADHD brings me greater joy and a profound sense of wholeness, a hope I wish for everyone. Healing stems from integrating this aspect of ourselves into our spirit, which means embracing radical self-acceptance. We achieve this through understanding and befriending our ADHD. This approach doesn't mean we over-identify with the condition; rather, it encourages us to provide ourselves with the care we need, as this is an act of love and kindness that we all deserve. This transformation of our relationship with ADHD allows us to live authentically and share our joy, unmasked.
Tips for Your Healing Journey with ADHD:
Remember “This Too Shall Pass” & keep in mind that emotions are temporary, especially when you prioritize self-care. Recognize that anxiety or sensitivity to rejection may be influencing your feelings. Embrace your sensitivity; it can be your superpower.
Those who judge you are not your people. You will never be too much for the people who belong in your life. Embrace your uniqueness, and your tribe will celebrate you. Get comfortable with being misunderstood and carve out your own path.
Take small, manageable steps. Pace yourself, break tasks into chunks—remember, this is a marathon, not a sprint. Slow and steady wins the race.
Learn to establish boundaries to protect yourself and to prevent falling into unhealthy habits or downward spirals. Chunking tasks helps you process and maintain focus.
Take your time and speak to yourself with kindness and love. Remember the power of grace, compassion, and trust in yourself.
Your voice and perspective matter. You don’t need to be perfect—just take that first step.
Believe in yourself; you can complete this journey. You are capable.
Identify your triggers and the resources you need to thrive in all that you do, at home, within your relationships, in your business/work environment.
Practice self-acceptance, compassion, and patience. Give yourself a hug.
Understand yourself better, especially how impulsivity manifests in your communication and relationships, particularly regarding money. Identify triggers and develop coping strategies. Learn self-regulation skills to enhance your spending habits, communication patterns. BUild financial literacy and business acumen.
Remember: we are not for the faint-hearted; being with us is an adventure! We bring passion, intensity, and a touch of obsession making us the best lovers and friends! Know your worth! We can thrive in relationships through regular check-ins, open communication, boundaries, systems, and understanding each other’s needs and areas for growth.
Engage in acts of self-love. Reparenting involves creating the structures and routines you lacked as a child. Set inner boundaries to protect yourself—think of them as the banks of a river.
Seek understanding and create balance. You deserve to give yourself what you missed as a child. Consider getting a coach, reading books, watching informative videos, or finding a supportive buddy or group. Put the skills you learn into practice. There will be good days and challenging ones, but keep pushing forward. Once you overcome a hill, you will behold the beauty of the next—this is a beautiful lifelong journey.
Develop self-regulation skills and spend ample time in nature to restore your nervous system, especially when feeling overwhelmed or depleted—it rejuvenates and fosters connection.
It's perfectly acceptable to decide to use medication or to refrain from it. Be aware of your relationship with substances and evaluate if any unhealthy dependency patterns are present. Reflect on your motivations for using substances or plants, and consider exploring alternative self-soothing methods, such as meditation, exercise, dance, or weighted tools that provide grounding. Additionally, immerse yourself in creative activities like art, writing, or gardening, among others.
Make asking for help a regular practice, both for free and paid support. Negotiate support systems with friends and loved ones.
Advocate for ADHD awareness, disability rights, and necessary accommodations at school and work. Educate those in your life to foster greater harmony.
References:
https://www.verywellhealth.com/adhd-attention-deficit-hyperactivity-disorder-included-definition-symptoms-traits-causes-treatment-5084784
https://www.additudemag.com/slideshows/decoding-the-adhd-mind/
https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/adhd-what-you-need-to-know