Building Healthy Relationships
Photo by Datingjungle
Today is Love Day & I am reminded of when I facilitated a group with teens around this time last year where we discussed the importance of building healthy relationships as February is also “Teen Dating Violence Awareness Month.” I find it ironic how it is both Love month & Teen Dating Violence Awareness month & yet, it is a true reflection on the complex nature of relationships. My time with them left me questioning, how my life would have turned out if someone would have talked to me about the nature of relationships growing up? What if we lived in a society where we talked more about understanding the differences between healthy vs. unhealthy relationships? What would happen if we as a society focused our educational curriculum more on socio-emotional development & nurturing emotional intelligence to teach loving-kindness, empathy, conflict resolution & more?
Studies have shown that one of the biggest predictors of health is the quality of our relationships. Our relationships truly have the power to heal us or kill us. When we talk about love, we often emphasize romantic relationships, but this guide can be applied to relationships of all types. I hope this serves as a guide to support you in cultivating the type of loving, caring, & healthy relationship(s) that your heart desires & deserves. Happy Love Day.
What do you think is at the root of unhealthy relationships?
At the root is Power and control.
Power and control:
The pursuit of power/dominance in a relationship is either/and or a mix of unconscious & conscious drives to get one’s emotional needs met. This is a maladaptive survival strategy that gives a false sense of inner security. This can be due to one’s unresolved trauma, shame, conditioning from reinforced “bad” behavior, low-self esteem, insecurity (feel powerless), &/or what they witnessed in childhood & in their culture/society. We all are capable of causing harm & wielding our power in ways that can be abusive to others.
There are different forms of abuse, but it can be categorized as overt & covert abuses of power. The effects of abuse often restrict your sense of choice, liberties, & strip away your sense of dignity. Examples of abusive behavior are acts of violence, suppressing your expression, exploitation, & bullying/intimidation. Covert abuse is the most subtle, common, & dangerous to your mind/body/spirit health (largely due to the lack of understanding of how this abuse works, its pervasive nature in our culture, & due to lack of empathy in society.) Covert abuse is psychological/emotional & spiritual in nature. Those who are stuck in cycles of abusing others are often labeled as “tyrants”, “dictators,” “predators,” “abusers,” “energy vampires,"”takers,” “entitled," “perpetrators,” “authoritarians,” ”narcissists”
Different Forms of Abuse:
What do you think the different forms of abuse are?
Physical: hitting, punching, kicking, slapping, biting, scratching, use of weapons, damaging property, stalking, intimidation, isolation
Sexual: you feel pressured/dominated into having sex, they take without consent (rape), and withholding sexual interaction/affection to punish you/control you emotionally
Emotional: neglect, abandonment, possessiveness, acting out in jealousy, anger/rage, shifting blame to you, making the other person feel unworthy, undesirable, lying, cheating, don’t feel supported/protected, poor communication
Financial: both covert & overt ways of controlling & spending your money, ruined credit/debt, withholding money, feeling entitled to your money, hiding or taking funds, they become difficult when discussing money, doesn’t support or allow you to pursue your professional goals
Psychological: name calling, mind games leaving you questioning your reality/perception, doubting yourself, lacking self trust, belittling, criticizing, shaming, humiliating you/laughing at you, online harassment/digital stalking, you find yourself isolated from others
Spiritual: breaks the spirit of a person by dimming their light, slowly deflating on one’s sense of self like a punctured tire slowly losing air over time, lacking self trust, low self esteem/confidence
This is not an exhaustive list, what else would you add to these categories?
What are some red flags to look for? Here are markers for mind-body- spirit health
Relationships that move very quickly & are often very intense. Engaging with someone who is actively engaged in dysfunctional family patterns/have unresolved childhood trauma. Displays of grandiosity. Always plays the victim. Says one thing but does another (manipulation.) Use of sex/seduction (manipulation.) Makes you question your reality {gaslighting.) Avoiding/minimizing feelings of others (deflecting.) Withdrawing/refusing engagement/affection/care (stonewalling/silent treatment) Can’t say sorry or be wrong & shifts blame onto you as their partner/others (projection). They act hot & cold. Self-centered. Demanding. Critical. Display cycles of being aloof & withdrawn.
One can find themselves chasing for affection. Feeling love addicted. Craving for the next “hit” of their attention/affection yet unfulfilled (breadcrumbs.) You find yourself acting out in anger-related “reactive abuse” & then criticized/shamed for your display of protective behaviors. Engaging in reactive/demanding behaviors for attention. You lack boundaries. Fusing with their emotional experiences/identities. You take on their problems. Confusion about where you stand with them. Often left ruminating due to being left in the dark. Neglect. Lack of empathy. Love-bombing. Ghosting. Discarding.
Engaging in dynamics that bring out your madness & leave you scrambling for yourself. Anxious. Sadness. Doubting yourself. Grasping for their validation & to be chosen. Obsessed. Fear. Feeling demoralized.
Physiology of Red flags:
A feeling of inner insecurity & lack of safety. Stomach in knots/GI distress. Cycles of reactive anger & dissociation. High blood pressure. Disorienting/dizziness. Tension. Panic attacks. Diminished Immunity & susceptible to disease. Headaches. Can lead to chronic health issues. Fatigue from worry. Lack of sleep. Blocks to creativity. Left feeling shut down. Neglecting self- care. Body can be left feeling inflamed, dried up, barren, depleted, lack of vitality = toxic
What are the green flags to look for? Here are markers for mind-body- spirit health
Relationships that take time to build. Open-mindedness. Relational curiosity. Honest & transparent communication. Seeking understanding. Aligned capacity for intimacy. Depth. Accountability (actions not just words.) Courage. Playful. Gentleness. Empathy, Compassionate. Healthy conflict resolution (rupture & repair.) Kindness. Affirming. A sense of evolving together. Reciprocity. Healthy boundaries. Respect. Sharing of oneself/emotional vulnerability. Consistent. Dependable.
You feel free to open up & be your authentic self. Mutual Appreciation. It opens you up. No games. No chase. No tic for tac. Interdependent/honoring each other’s autonomy. Attunement. Feeling valued. Seen. Mirrored. Cared for. Motivates you to be a better person. Brings out your magic. Inner peace.
Physiology of Green flags:
Left feeling an internal sense of security/steadiness. Sensations of a grounded, calm nervous system. Body feels turned on. Relaxed breathing. Replenished. Bliss. Recharged. Joyful. Inspired. Awakened erotic energy. Inner state of balance & steadiness. Soothed. Sense of comfort. Sense of being held.
Healing the wounds:
If you find yourself in an abusive relationship:
Find a trusted friend/mentor/adult in your life who will listen & believe you
Consider talking to a therapist or healing practitioner w/background in trauma healing/relationships/etc.
Use resources like hotlines, community DV resources
Immerse yourself in hobbies, activities you enjoy
Create a safety plan with someone you trust
Understand healing is a holistic approach & takes time
If you find yourself as the one causing harm:
Know that change is possible
Acknowledgement of this truth is an important first step towards healing & behavior change
Educate yourself on impact of trauma, mental health/triggers, learning how to break cycles of harm (e.g. online resources such helping abusers)
Identify a therapist or like professional that can support you on the journey of healing & unlearning & getting to the root causes
Healthy Relationships Exercise:
For this exercise you will need:
Paint supplies OR drawing supplies
In honor of Waterbearer season, I used Audre Lorde’s “Uses of the Erotic” during my session with the teens. I used her work as a guide for cultivating healthy relationships which was expressed through the medium of painting. I invited the teens to use nature as a guide to represent how their bodies should feel when engaged in healthy, loving relationships which were brought to life through their art.
When I think of the type of relationships I want to experience, I close my eyes & see overflowing, gushing waters of life like the Victoria Falls. I invite you to close your eyes & think of the places in nature that make you feel joyful & alive. This represents the green flags in your body. Take this image and express it through your painting or drawing materials.
For me, the red flags feel like the desert. What do they symbolize for you? Take the time to create this image as well. Now, I have cultivated a practice where I often ask myself “Does the sum of this relationship leave me feeling like the desert or Victoria Falls?” which is a guide that helps me determine the health of the relationship. Take in your red flags art & your green flags art, what do you notice on the inside as you look at these images? What do they tell you about the health of your closest relationship(s)?
Resources:
All About Love: Bell Hooks
Uses of the Erotic: Audre Lorde
Playlist: Healing Relationships: For the lovers