Attachment Styles & Love Songs
Photo by Christine Sandu
Oh, love songs - they have a unique way of capturing our romantic fantasies, longings, and heartbreaks. They often serve as emotional mirrors, reflecting the joy, pain, and desire we feel in our relationships. However, love songs can also trigger our attachment system, stirring up unresolved emotions and potentially activating unhealthy relationship patterns. Have you ever noticed how a love song can bring you to a state of anxiety, fantasy, or rumination? This happens because the songs we love can reflect our attachment styles—and sometimes reinforce harmful patterns that keep us stuck in cycles of emotional insecurity.
As I've deepened my understanding of attachment theory, I've come to see love songs through a new lens. Music is a powerful tool for emotional expression, but it can also illuminate how we experience love, connection, and intimacy. For example, as someone with preoccupied attachment tendencies, I've learned that listening to certain love songs can be a slippery slope, leading me into a state of fantasy and obsession, seeing my partner through rose-colored glasses. Can you relate?
Attachment Songs & Love Songs:
Music has the power to evoke intense emotional responses. In this guide, we explore how different attachment styles are reflected in popular love songs and what these songs can teach us about our emotional needs, relationship patterns, and the kinds of connections we are drawn to. Understanding these patterns can help us build healthier, more secure relationships.
Secure Attachment: Healthy Connection and Trust
Securely attached individuals are comfortable with intimacy, trust, and interdependence. They value open communication and emotional stability. The love songs they resonate with often reflect trust, support, and a deep sense of mutual respect.
“Bagels” by Kota the Friend:
“I need my space everyday
I need to regenerate
I know I'm awkward as f*ck
But I like me anyway
But I be liking you too
I wanna share me with you
I wanna share me with you
We could get together get some coffee and some bagels
I just wanna kick it with you, I ain't trying to change you
I just wanna hear about your life and what makes you, you
You, you, you, you”
This song reflects the balance of self-love and connection that defines secure attachment. Other or secure attachment: Other songs for secure attachment:
"Slow Down" by Skip Marley & HER
"Feeling Good" by Nina Simone
"Head Over Feet" by Alanis Morissette
Anxious/Ambivalent /Preoccupied Attachment: Clinginess, Reassurance, and Fear of Abandonment:
Those with anxious attachment often feel preoccupied with their relationships and crave constant reassurance. They may struggle with fear of abandonment or feel "clingy." Love songs that resonate with this attachment style often express intensity, longing, and obsessiveness.
“Lady” by D’Angelo::
“Don't think I don't see them lookin' at ya
All of 'em wishin' they could have ya
And as a matter of fact, uh
A bunch of them are itchin' for you to scratch them
I'm tired of hidin' what we feel
I'm tryna come with the real
And I'm gonna make it known
'Cause I want them to know
You're my lady”
The beat is hot, the vocals are smooth, AND the obsession/the paranoia is REAL ya’ll. This song highlights the intense emotions and preoccupation with a partner that often accompanies anxious attachment.
Other songs for anxious attachment:
"Will You Still Love Me?" by Amy Winehouse (fear of abandonment)
"Stay With Me" by Sam Smith(Have some self-respect & yet, highly relatable)
Avoidant Attachment: Fear of Intimacy and Independence.
Avoidant attachment is characterized by a fear of intimacy and an over-reliance on independence. People with this attachment style often avoid emotional closeness and struggle with vulnerability, leading to behaviors like ghosting or withdrawing
“Runaway” by Kanye West:
“Never was much of a romantic
I could never take the intimacy
And I know it did damage
'Cause the look in your eyes is killin' me
I guess then you at an advantage
'Cause you could blame me for everything
And I don't know how I'ma manage
If one day you just up and leave
And I always find, yeah, I always find somethin' wrong
You been puttin' up wit' my shit just way too long
I'm so gifted at findin' what I don't like the most
So I think it's time
For us to have a toast”
it doesn’t get any more avoidant than this. This song reflects the avoidant tendency to push away intimacy and focus on emotional distance.
Disorganized Attachment: The Push-Pull of Love
Pulls you in & then pushes you away. Up & down. Passionate. Turbulent. Quite the ride…if you make it out alive…People with disorganized attachment often experience a fearful and conflicted relationship with love. They may find themselves swinging between intense attraction and intense fear of rejection, creating a turbulent and unpredictable love dynamic.
“Ex-Factor “by Lauryn Hill
“It could all be so simple
But you'd rather make it hard
Loving you is like a battle
And we both end up with scars
Tell me who I have to be
To get some reciprocity
See, no one loves you more than me
And no one ever will
Is this just a silly game
That forces you to act this way?
Forces you to scream my name
Then pretend that you can't stay”
THIS ONE TAKES THE CAKE.This song encapsulates the emotional chaos and confusion that often comes with disorganized attachment.
Building Healthy Relationships: Love Songs That Reflect Collective Healing: While many love songs reflect personal romantic relationships, there are songs that transcend the individual and speak to collective love, healing, and community. These songs invite us to reflect on our shared humanity and the love that connects us all.
Example Songs for Collective Healing:
"I Need You to Survive" by Hezekiah Walker
"Lean on Me" by Bill Withers
"As" by Stevie Wonder
"I Wish I Knew How It Would Feel to Be Free" by Nina Simone
What did you think of these songs? What are your favorite love songs? What would you add to this list?