Attachment Styles & Love Songs
Photo by Christine Sandu
Oh, love songs - the expression of our romantic fantasies, longings, desires, & experiences of heartbreak that so many of us are drawn to. No matter the mood, there always seems to be a love song that sings the stories of our hearts & what a beautiful thing, right? Right…until that love song starts to activate your attachment system in ways that send you trauma diving, spiraling, & stuck in loops of rumination. Our favorite love songs can sometimes mirror our states of anxiety, fantasy, & heartbreak in ways that can work against us. They can reinforce harmful thinking that can keep us in certain states of inner insecurity & unhealthy attachment. As I have become more aware of attachment styles, it has given me a new lens on how I view love songs & engage with music. For example, as someone with historically preoccupied/anxious attachment tendencies, I have learned that listening to all of my favorite love songs is a slippery slope. Before I know it, I am on cloud 9, living in the bliss of fantasy, completely obsessed, & seeing the world/object(s) of my desire through those infamous rose-colored glasses. Can I get a witness?
Don’t get me wrong, love songs can also be deeply healing, inspiring, & guides to creating meaningful & loving relationships. That’s the power of music, it’s a trance inducer that effects how we feel, move, & think. Music can tell us a lot about who & where we are & so, I invite you to start taking inventory on the type of love music you listen to. Take time to examine the music & types of love songs that resonate with you & be curious about what that could potentially reflect about your attachment style & the types of relationships you are drawn to. Take time to notice how the lyrics trigger feelings of inner security or insecurity? Do the lyrics pull you towards connection or away? Ground you or pull you away from earth?
Attachment Songs & Love Songs:
I hope this guide serves as a tool to better understand the inner workings of attachment styles.
Secure Attachment: meaningful connection, interdependence, open communication, trusting
“Bagels” by Kota the Friend:
“I need my space everyday
I need to regenerate
I know I'm awkward as f*ck
But I like me anyway
But I be liking you too
I wanna share me with you
I wanna share me with you
We could get together get some coffee and some bagels
I just wanna kick it with you, I ain't trying to change you
I just wanna hear about your life and what makes you, you
You, you, you, you”
Notice how it feels to be in relationships that delight in who you are as you are.
Other songs for secure attachment: “Slow Down”- Skip Marley & HER, “Feeling Good”- Nina Simone, “Head Over Feet”- Alanis Morissette
Anxious/Ambivalent/preoccupied attachment: preoccupied w/their love interest, needs a lot of reassurance, “clingy”, fear of not being enough
“Lady” by D’Angelo::
“Don't think I don't see them lookin' at ya
All of 'em wishin' they could have ya
And as a matter of fact, uh
A bunch of them are itchin' for you to scratch them
I'm tired of hidin' what we feel
I'm tryna come with the real
And I'm gonna make it known
'Cause I want them to know
You're my lady”
The beat is hot, the vocals are smooth, AND the obsession/the paranoia is REAL ya’ll
Other songs for anxious attachment: “Will you still love me” - Amy Winehouse (fear of abandonment) & “Stay with me” - Sam Smith (Have some self-respect & yet, highly relatable)
Avoidant Attachment: Struggles with intimacy, overly self-reliant, fears losing autonomy in relationships. Critical. Ghosting Behaviors.
“Runaway” by Kanye West:
“Never was much of a romantic
I could never take the intimacy
And I know it did damage
'Cause the look in your eyes is killin' me
I guess then you at an advantage
'Cause you could blame me for everything
And I don't know how I'ma manage
If one day you just up and leave
And I always find, yeah, I always find somethin' wrong
You been puttin' up wit' my shit just way too long
I'm so gifted at findin' what I don't like the most
So I think it's time
For us to have a toast”
it doesn’t get any more avoidant than this.
Disorganized /Fearful Attachment: Pulls you in & then pushes you away. Up & down. Passionate. Turbulent. Quite the ride…if you make it out alive…
“Ex-Factor “by Lauryn Hill
“It could all be so simple
But you'd rather make it hard
Loving you is like a battle
And we both end up with scars
Tell me who I have to be
To get some reciprocity
See, no one loves you more than me
And no one ever will
Is this just a silly game
That forces you to act this way?
Forces you to scream my name
Then pretend that you can't stay”
THIS ONE TAKES THE CAKE.
Creating a culture of healthy & loving relationships: Songs that expand beyond romantic relationships & reach into the collective WE.
“I Need You to Survive” by Hezekiah Walker
“Lean on Me” by Bill Withers
“As” by Stevie Wonder
“I Wish I Knew How It Would Feel to Be Free” by Nina Simone
Change the World by J. Ivy
What did you think of these songs? What are your favorite love songs? What would you add to this list?