Whole with Joy
“Once we recognize what it is we are feeling, once we recognize we can feel deeply, love deeply, can feel joy, then we will demand that all parts of our lives produce that kind of joy.”
Whole with Joy started out as a protest. I was trying to convince myself and the world of my worth because I was left feeling empty after my divorce. I was so focused on “doing the work” that I was trying to fix something as if I were broken instead of compassionately allowing space for myself. It took time to realize that becoming whole is not a destination — there is no 12-step program to becoming this idealized, “perfect” version of myself. I am deprogramming and learning that perfect doesn’t exist.
For much of my life as a queer Black womxn what I’ve seen when I looked at myself were distorted mirrors of who I really am. When I tried to use my voice, I was told I was “too much” and denied my self-expression. When I externalized my pain, I was treated like an outcast. I carried around internalized shame, believing the desires of my heart were wrong as they weren’t aligned with being a “lady,” with my “Blackness,” or with being “Christian.” There was a part of me, rooted in childhood and also inherited, that sought safety and a sense of completion in my romantic relationships. I wanted to be saved from all the suffering I faced as a Black womxn. When my marriage ended, I was confronted with my greatest fear: facing myself. There was no one else to save me, heal me, pick up the pieces to “complete” me— it was only me. And so, I decided to step into the darkness of my fears and into the unknown of what the future held for me. The journey has led me here, relating to the concept of wholeness in a softer, more loving way. I’ve come to realize that becoming whole is a life-long journey of self-love, self-acceptance, and leading a heart-centered life. This process is gradual, a non-linear process of shedding, unraveling, unlearning, and remembering.
My journey of becoming whole has taught me that no matter what others may think or how they respond to me, it is okay to feel deeply and to be exactly who I am. It is my birthright to experience every single emotion that runs through my body, for it is what makes me feel alive. Early in my journey, when I was struggling to apply this concept, my therapist offered something I now share with my clients —they read to me Rumi’s The Guest House as an invitation to consider the complexity of my humanness. They also told me I didn’t have to pick one emotion or one way of being over another. This helped me breathe a little easier, but I continued to struggle with the practice. Then, one summer day while laying out in front of my house watching the sky, I noticed how the clouds were passing through the sky. The vast, puffy, dense, iriscident, wispy, voluminous and glorious clouds glided gracefully through the sky. It was a beautiful transit to witness, and something hit me in a profound way. It was like Rumi’s The Guest House was playing out in the sky. I could feel on a cellular level it IS OKAY to feel what I feel, as I am a body just like the sky. My emotions and my being are like the clouds — limitless in form, divine and ephemeral. I finally understood what my therapist meant when she told me I didn’t have to attach or get stuck in one emotion, identity over the other, but to feel them all and to let them go. This moment freed me and, bit by bit through practice, I am learning how to relate to my emotions and the concept of who “I AM,” differently and more lovingly.
Whole with Joy is to live the words of Audre Lorde: “Once we recognize what it is we are feeling, once we recognize we can feel deeply, love deeply, can feel joy, then we will demand that all parts of our lives produce that kind of joy.” When we do this and embrace the wholeness of our human experience, we tap into our life force energy and ignite a sacred fire within us called joy. I will never forget how I felt when I finally understood what my mama was speaking into my life by naming me Joy. My mama born in 1943 from Oriental, North Carolina, described as a “Steel Magnolia.” Like a Magnolia tree, she has endured with grace in spite of external conditions. She wanted to speak into my life what the violent, oppressive world she came to know often tried to take and deny her. She knew the power was in the joy, the liberation was in the joy, in what is often called “unspeakable joy.” Joy is what we feel when we embrace our authentic selves.
We live in a world of violent marginalization fueled by greed, hate, and fear. This is a legacy of primal “us vs. them” impulses and scarcity mindsets. We are all dehumanized and experience suffering because of these legacies of oppression, polarization, and capitalism. How does one survive in this world full of fear? We adapt by seeking safety, conforming to societal standards, competing with one another, and falling prey to materialism. We learn to survive by acting out the scripts written by others to ensure they maintain their security, comfort, and power. We perform the roles assigned to us even if it means denying the desires of our heart and hiding our true nature. We often even find ourselves organizing our entire lives around seeking this sense of “security,” a respite from internalized oppression and its voices of fear.
One of the most eye-opening, humbling lessons from being a therapist and doing community resilience work with human beings of all walks of life is learning we all hold the same core fears: abandonment, rejection, criticism, unknown, and death. But the good news is that we are also hardwired to seek connection and belonging, and we are built to handle change and adversity. In other words, the instincts and understanding of this work are already within us – we must reclaim this part of our humanity. When we internalize the dehumanization the world places upon us, it breeds rage, grief, anxiety, depression, and shame. We often see these emotions as things to shed as part of our work, but these emotions are flag-bearers, there to both protect us and teach us, to teach us what we will no longer accept and of what needs to change. They are our soul’s cries for freedom. Learning to embody your wholeness is revolutionary — it not only sets you free but it frees all of us. When you honor your inherent wholeness, you are embodying the energy of love, and love is the force that renders us all equal. And what does the world need now more than ever?
My prayer for you: May you invite the possibility to be whole with joy. May you allow yourself to feel all your feelings with non-attachment. May you follow the desires of your heart. May you be like the clouds in the sky.
Whole with Joy: Embodiment Practices
I invite you to:
Take a sacred pause, breathe in and out.
Speak: “I honor who I was, who I am, and who I am becoming”
Do a 5-10-minute meditation on Rumi’s The Guest House poem
Engage your inner child —paint the rainbow and then mix colors of the rainbow and see the infinite possibilities.
Remember your wholeness through skygazing (day or night) and track what happens in your body
Practice Mindfulness: Breathe into your body. Observe with curiosity. Notice if you feel relaxed, constricted, open, detached, etc.?
Compassionately ask yourself: Is this the energy/presence of me acting out the script written for me? Or is the energy/presence of my authentic expression and desires? How does it feel to notice?