We Save Ourselves - Uprooting Misogynoir

On this last day of October’s “Domestic Violence Awareness Month,” I am sharing one of the pieces I’m writing from a series called “We Save Ourselves” about uprooting misogynoir to address the issue of gender-based violence/misogynoir that exists within the collective Black family body. This piece addresses Black male-identifying persons, Black woman-identifying persons, & the collective Black family body

We Save Ourselves - Uprooting Misogynoir

I recently partook in one of my favorite bonding rituals, breaking bread with others especially when I gather with beautiful Black folk to eat delicious Black food around the sacred Black Dinner table. During this experience, I found myself subjected to & triggered by a Black man who espoused sexist comments objectifying Black women's bodies & devaluing Black women.  Though that was painful in itself, what made it difficult to digest was the silence from everyone sitting around the table including other Black women. I asked myself:  What lives within us where we think it is OK to scrutinize another human being’s body? A Black woman’s body? What happens to our hearts when we reduce someone’s value down to their physical body? I realized misogynoir was being served & passed around at the dinner table. Misogynoir continues to run rampant in our community, it starts with how we talk to & about Black women in our homes & within the collective Black family.
Misogynoir & Domestic Violence:  Historically, Black women have been one the most targeted groups of dehumanization & violence due to the intersections of anti-Blackness & sexism. Scholar Moya Bailey coined this reality that Black women face as “misogynoir", Bailey defines it as “a combination of misogyny, 'the hatred of women', and noir, which means 'black' but also carries film and media connotations. It is the particular amalgamation of anti-Black racism and misogyny in popular media and culture that targets Black trans and cis women.”  Mass media has planted the seeds of shame, hate, & degradation towards Black women in our collective psyches, as a result patriarchal violence & misogynoir has taken root. When it comes to domestic violence, 40% of Black women experience intimate partner violence during their lifetime &  Black women are three times more likely to be killed by a current or former partner than members of other racial groups (Domestic Violence Against Black Women.) One of the reasons why misogynoir poses a significant threat to the health of our community is due to our silence.  We can learn how to uproot misogynoir by first acknowledging how we all are impacted by misogynoir & get honest about how it shapes our thinking, feelings, & behavior. In men, this can look like objectifying Black women’s bodies & holding the belief that Black women are inferior & viewed as objects for sexual pleasure. Misogynoir leads to the devaluation of Black women & the use of violence against Black women/femme bodies. In Black women, internalized misogynoir can look like low self-esteem, feelings of powerlessness, & over-identifying with victimhood. It can cause some Black women to harbor the belief that Black men are inherently more valuable & powerful. This can shape the behavior of some Black women who believe it's her role to be in service to the man or to endure intimate partner pain/violence as an act of “strength” & cultural patterning. Internalized misogynoir is also at the root of how Black women mistreat other Black women. 

How do we Save Ourselves? Dear Black men, your sense of peace, liberation, & health are on the line too. In other words, misogynoir is a reflection of your pain & this is why Black men should be invested in the repair through seeking your own healing, taking accountability, & action towards undoing harm.  Your freedom & well-being is dependent on the freedom & well-being of Black women. One of the primary root causes of the misogynoir that lives in a Black’s man heart, I believe, is the unprocessed pain of historical trauma that has destabilized the Black family unit. It is rooted in the impulse to wield a sense of power & control over others that are perceived as “inferior” (Black women) especially when everything else in your life as a Black man feels out of control & threatened. It is also due to patriarchal conditioning of what men have been told to believe what power & masculinity is. The first step to healing is engaging in self-reflection,  to take a good look in the mirror. What does manhood mean to you?  What are your models for masculinity? Who are you outside of your identity of being a man? What does redefining masculinity look like to you?  Many men have been socialized to repress their emotions which can cause anger, tension, reactivity in the body & often externalized through behaviors & projected onto others. How does your trauma show up? What is your outlet for emotional release? How can Black men collectively band together to feel/heal from personal/historical/intergenerational trauma?

Dear Black Women, as much as I dream for the collective Black male body & Black family response, I have learned that we can’t wait on someone to save us & that we must be our own saviors & learn to create the safety we seek. I was raised to outsource my sense of agency/power through the security of “having a man.” I internalized that I had to live in fear of what society says is more “powerful” than I am. It was also ingrained in me that love meant pain & self-denial. However I’ve also learned that there comes a day when you have to decide to no longer follow the scripts written for you. To say no to the roles of victimization & enduring pain/abuse just because Black women are “strong” & have done so for so long. I want my daughter & all of our daughters to know that their sense of security is cultivated within & to know as I tell my 6 y/o daughter, “my body, my rules!” Black women, how can we stay in self-reflection & interrogate the ways we may dim our own lights & hand over our power due to internalized misogynoir? It is time to rewrite the narrative! What are the joys & pains of Black Womanhood? What does your inner dialogue sound like? Whose voices are those? How do you practice radical self-love? How do you view/engage with other Black women?

Who are you outside of your identity of being a Black woman?  How can we as Black women collectively invest in ways to learn self-defense & to create systems of safety among each other to reclaim our sense of power? How can we be intentional about prioritizing holistic wellness & building survival skills together? Our power is in our collective power. 

Dear Black Family, first let's honor each other’s tears. There is great mourning when we feel the loss & pain as we all are survivors of violence. Let’s commit ourselves to the work that lies ahead to heal our individual & collective wounds as a Black Family body. The work is slow, requires vulnerability, courage, & for us to keep showing up.  It will take collaboration to leave behind the old shapes that we know to allow us to become something new. I want to see ALL of us win, and when I speak to “win”- I mean in the name of love, for each one of our bodies to intimately know & feel love deep down in our bones. The kind of love that heals. The love that liberates. The love that seeks understanding. The kind of love that protects. There is nothing that motivates me more as a psychotherapist than my desire to see Black love win. Black love in every sense of the imagination to restore to the power, fertility, & possibility that is Blackness before it was defined by colonization. I want to see Black women & Black men heal, to be united & in harmony with one another. This isn’t about boxing Black women and men into some idea of how they should be in relationship to one another. This is about breaking the cycles that harm us & building intentional communities of safety, justice & love. This is about how we honor each other’s dignity & freedom. Where we learn to take on new shapes of kindness, respect, empathy, understanding, & care for one another. This is how we honor our ancestors & this is how we build a promising & regenerative future for our children.

We Save Ourselves: Uprooting Misogynoir Guide :

1.Break the silence & let’s get real about misogynoir

2. Educate ourselves on the root causes of misogynoir & domestic violence:

3. Decolonize/Heal: commit to unlearning internalized oppression & replace with love & justice based models

4. Action & Accountability:  Black men commit to talking about misogynoir in our communities, speak up when you witness patriarchal violence, & take responsibility for your actions. We need Black Church & community leaders to commit to take action by talking about this issue & work collectively towards justice/healing. 

References:

Moya Bailey: Misogynoir Transformed: Black Women's Digital Resistance

Domestic Violence Against Black Women

Joy LongComment